The world classifies
We live in a world that insists on classifying and labeling… they classify us, we classify ourselves.
This one is good, that one is bad. This child is good, that other one is bad… And we grow up with “good” and “bad” engraved in our minds…
I hear a lot of parents telling their children to “behave themselves” or that they are “behaving badly”. Good, bad… And what is “good”, and what is “bad”? Who decides? If I put myself in the shoes of a child and someone tells me I am behaving “well”, surely my conception of “good” as a child will have very little (or nothing) to do with an adult’s conception of “good”, don’t you think?
We are asked every day, sometimes several times a day, “How are you?”, and the nearly automatic answer is “fine”, which is usually the answer others expect…
Good and bad
“Good” and “bad” are words we use extremely often, but don’t they seem empty to you? How many times do we tell others we are “fine” or “well” without even being aware of how we are actually feeling? And how many times do we also say (or think) “bad” on impulse, without truly connecting to what is happening to us?
I propose (for myself and for you) that we stop using the words “good” and “bad” and instead employ other words from our very rich vocabulary, words that connect us with ourselves and are much fuller in meaning…
If I ask you “How are you?” today, what would you answer if you couldn’t use the words “good” or “bad”? You’d have to think, right? But don’t think… Close your eyes, observe your body and your breathing, and you will find the answer. How are you?
When I am in therapy sessions with my clients, many come in with the feeling that they are “bad” and that they must change something in order to get “well”. Surely, on more than one occasion, you have felt “bad” and have wanted to run away from that feeling in order to feel “good”. We all fall into this mental trap. Let me tell you something… Being “well” tends to be very overrate, and feeling “good” or “bad” doesn’t mean much.
I always try to go a bit beyond “good” or “bad”. This “bad” with which you describe and identify yourself is a judgment (a painful label) of yourself based on your experience and your beliefs. And don’t get me wrong… I know that what you are feeling hurts, but just because it hurts, doesn’t mean that it is bad! If you let yourself feel a bit more, go inside yourself, delve into the sensations inside your body, into your breathing… what do you feel? You will realize that this “bad” has many colors, tones, and shapes… Perhaps it is an emptiness in your stomach, a headache, a heaviness in your legs, confusion, sadness, fear… Just feel yourself and breathe, with whatever is there.
Don’t fight with what is there
Don’t fight with what is there, just breathe… If I had lived your life in your shoes, If I had been born in your family, had grown up with your siblings, and gone through what you have gone through, I would be telling myself the same things you tell yourself, making the same “mistakes”, and with the same sensation of “feeling bad”. So, you have done the best you could or knew how to do. Don’t fight with that…
Life takes us to places we never could have imagined. Some seem pleasant from the very first moment, while others are painful. Both the pleasant and the painful are necessary for your evolution and growth. They are neither good nor bad… Life, your decisions (whether they seem more or less correct) are perfect for you. What you consider “bad”, accept it, love it… Maybe right now it is not useful for you, but surely at some point it was necessary, and I would even dare to say that, in its day, it saved your life…
Maybe there are things that you have been carrying for a long time that no longer serve you today. If so, don’t judge them. You took on those burdens because you didn’t know how to or couldn’t do things a different way. That is not bad (or good). If you could have done or knew how to do otherwise, wouldn’t you have done so? Maybe that choice, in that moment, saved your life and allowed you to get where you are today. Accept it. Be grateful and love yourself for it. Don’t fight with yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Breathe. The only way to detach yourself from the “badness” that you believe is inside you is to love yourself. Love yourself with everything you have, unconditionally. Love your light and your darkness, because you are both of these things, and both are necessary for you to live your life fully.
We know there is light because there is darkness. We know there is joy because we experience sadness. We know that life exists because death also exists. These polarities give us strength and push us to keep going. Love them, embrace them… Love yourself, embrace yourself…
And breathe…
Breathe what is there, love what is there…
And if it hurts too much, breathe into the pain and be grateful that you are breathing. Love your ability to breathe and to be alive.
Breathe… From breathing to loving isn’t that far at all.
Judith Benavent