Since I have been involved in the “therapy world” (for quite a few years), I often hear that “we must accept what is, without judging it”. I spent years trying very hard to accept everything that was happening to me, everything I experienced. Sometimes it was easy, but other times it was an almost impossible task, and it exhausted me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Until one day, years ago, something clicked in my brain… and I realized that acceptance is not resignation! This realization lightened my load so, so much…
Acceptance is light
Acceptance is light, it gives a feeling of relief, of letting go, of deep understanding, of compassion… The resistance, fighting, and struggling that you used to feel toward your problem fades away when you accept it… If you don’t feel a sensation of relief with what you consider acceptance, then perhaps it is not acceptance, but rather resignation. Take note… When we accept something (whether it is big, small, ugly, or beautiful) we arrive at a much deeper understanding of it, a profound feeling of empathy and compassion… I hear many people (sometimes I even catch myself doing it) talk about situations, people, or things that we “accept”, and when I hear them (or myself), I feel the anger, resentment, or struggle in their tone of voice or in their message, and the doubt appears: “Have we really accepted it?” NO! If acceptance is heavy, agitating, or uncomfortable… it is not acceptance.
Acceptance is born from the heart
Acceptance is not an easy task. And forcing yourself to accept something doesn’t work (I can say this from experience!). So, if you cannot accept something… ACCEPT THAT YOU DON’T ACCEPT IT! Don’t fight it! Acknowledge that there are things that make you mad, that upset you, that make you sad… and that you don’t want to or cannot accept yet! There is nothing wrong with that. Give yourself time… and breathe… No matter how much you try to accept something with your head, your head doesn’t accept it! No matter how much you say from your rational mind that you can accept what is, if your heart is not in tune with this, acceptance is not possible. Perhaps your head can help you understand the situation, and from this place of mental understanding you can get a bit closer to acceptance… but with only this mental understanding, I can assure you that there is no acceptance. Acceptance is born from the heart and soothes the soul… At least that is how I experience it. If it doesn’t give you peace, tranquility, and calm, look inside, observe yourself, and be honest with yourself… Are you really accepting? And remember, whether the answer is yes or no, that is okay! Accept the answer! Now I will tell you what helped me to accept…
Acceptance and resignation are two very different things
As I said in the beginning, I had a very hard time with acceptance. I tried very hard, I tried to understand all the possible points of view, to see everything from another side, but even then it was hard, and my acceptance remained in my mind (that is, I wasn’t truly accepting it!). Until one day I realized (perhaps this is obvious for most of you, but it took me some time) that I was confusing acceptance with resignation! When someone accepts something, the possibility of change remains totally open (in fact, acceptance invites change and evolution!). However, resignation completely eliminates the possibility of change, and this weighs a ton! That’s why accepting was so hard for me… Because in accepting I was carrying the weight of resignation, and one thing has nothing to do with the other!
Let me give you an example, to see if it helps me explain myself… Imagine that you are upset with your partner because you don’t like that they came home late. You have told them several times, you have tried to negotiate, and they don’t stop doing it. First of all, accept that you are upset that your partner gets home late! You have every right to be angry! Later, think about whether this anger is due to a past wound that has not healed (from your childhood or previous partners, etc.). Try to look inward to see if you can discover what triggers this anger. When you have given space to your anger, it may help to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, try to feel what they are feeling (empathize with them, understand what causes them to do what they do… Maybe it has to do with their education, with their childhood, etc.). From there, you will be able to become more aware of the situation and you will get closer to accepting what is. In this process, you may need to open your heart… Remember that if your heart is not in it, acceptance will not come. If you cannot open your heart, if you don’t know whether you want to, or if you don’t know how to, accept this, too, with love and kindness toward yourself. Above all, do not fight with yourself…
Acceptance gives clarity
When you accept something, you can see it with greater clarity, without filters, head on… and this clarity will help you make decisions that resignation would not let you make! Going back to the example with your partner, imagine that you learn that your partner actually comes home late because they need to spend their evenings with their friends to unwind. They need it. That may not be a problem for some people, but for others it is! If it is a problem for you, you have several options (simplifying the situation considerably):
- Option 1: Spend your life angry because you need your partner to spend more time with you, when you know that this will not happen! (You neither accept nor resign yourself = you fight and suffer.) Eventually, you will probably find yourself in option 2 or 3.
- Option 2: Resign yourself and keep your head down. (Accept and resign yourself = suffer.) This is definitely not a healthy option, but if you decide to make this decision, accept it! This may bring you to your limit and you may end up exploding… Be aware of it, as it will be a great learning opportunity… “Explosions” always are. (I’m telling you this from experience, too!).
- Option 3: Accept your partner and allow them to be the way they are! This option sounds great, right? In order to do it, you will have to be open to looking inward and making changes… You can accept your partner and learn to enjoy your time without them, respecting their need to spend time with their friends. Or you can also decide to accept your partner and let them go free so they can be who they are and you can be who you are with another person (or alone!). As you can see, acceptance requires seeing things with clarity… and once you see it, there are no more excuses!
Of course, this applies to any other area of life, not only in your relationship with your partner… Faced with any situation that displeases you or makes you uncomfortable, you have three options: Keep complaining your whole life; resign yourself (shut up and keep your head down or pretend that nothing is wrong); or accept what is and see what you need to do to adjust to it, to be able to be yourself and shine!
Acceptance can be an impetus for change
Acceptance does not prevent you from changing, quite the opposite! Acceptance can help you see clearly what you did not want to see or could not see, and it can give you an impetus for change! The change that comes after acceptance is a change coming from a place of deeper respect and understanding. In this change there is no resentment, no burden, no weight… On the contrary, with acceptance comes rest, lightness, letting go. And now, which option do you choose? Do you accept, do you resign yourself or do you keep complaining? Whatever your answer is, I accept it, and you should accept it, too. Don’t judge yourself or beat yourself up— accept yourself just as you are. You are unique and perfect. If you still cannot accept or don’t know how to accept what surrounds you and accept others, begin by accepting yourself, what is there, what you are… In the end, you’ll realize that by accepting yourself, you accept others, too! If you have any questions, or if something resonated within you and you want to share it, I hope to see your thoughts in the comments! And if you liked this post, share it!
A big hug full of kindness, (do you accept it?)
Judith Benavent